Why owning an iPhone is like giving birth

I fear I have not been completely honest with those I've urged to purchase an iPhone. Naturally, as is my wont, I regale all with the marvelous features I've come to love: the myriad applications, the ability to text to two daughters at one time, my album of hundreds of photographs of myself and loved ones, the ease of telling the time of day in Chicago, Boston, Los Angeles, and Hawaii, and on and on.

By the time, I finish my litany, I am drenched in sweat and the object of my persuasion is rushing out the door to get to the nearest Apple store. (I have already demonstrated how to find it via Maps.)

But, my daughter Faith, who made me the happiest mother in the world when she purchased an iPhone, recently admonished me for omitting difficulties with the wondrous device. "Oh, I had problems at first, too," I told her when she called to ask a tech question. "In fact, I took the phone back the next day because I found it so frustrating." "Mom," she said testily. "Why didn't you tell me?"

That's when I realized that owning an iPhone is like giving birth. You tend to forget the bad stuff. So, to make it up to Faith and to any other newbies who are about to toss their cell out the window, I'm listing a few problems that, um, may arise with your iPhone, and my solutions. (You could go directly to Apple's Discussion Forum, but isn't this more fun?)

1. Nothing happens when I touch it! It's dead!
No dear ones, your iPhone is not dead, merely frozen. You've likely confused its little computer head by touching too many applications, or doing something to make it quit. But it's easily thawed out. Here's how:

Press and hold the button that's located on the right side on the top of your iPhone. Apple calls it Sleep/Wake, but I call it On/Off. Hold it down until the red slider appears on your screen. Then, slide your finger across the slider. To turn it back on, press and hold that top button until the Apple logo appears. Leave it alone for a few minutes (you may see the little gear revolving) while the phone decides if it wants to work again.

If nothing happens after 5 minutes, press the On button again. But don't hold it down as it will power off again. All should return to normal. Other users say you can unfreeze by holding down the Off/On button at the same time as you hold down the Home/Menu button -- that's the one at the center of the bottom of the phone. If none of these fixes work, call Apple's Service and Support line at 1-800-275-2273.

2. Texting on this thing is impossible!
Let's say you've written an e-mail or text message and you've made an error somewhere in the middle of the copy. After you've erupted in a few @#$%s, calm down. You do not have to go back and erase all of the copy that comes after the error. Simply place your finger on the error until a magnifying glass appears. Do your correction. Return to the last word of your text, put your finger there (consider your finger a mouse that moves a cursor), and babble on.

3. I can't upload a photo to Facebook!
Take a photo with the camera application on your iPhone. It will land in Photos. Download the Facebook app for iPhones from the iTunes App store. Open the Facebook app and when it shows your page, look for a teeny, tiny picture of a camera to the left of the space for a status update. Click on that and select the option Choose From Library. Return to the Photos app, touch the photo you want to upload to Facebook. Add a caption, click upload and before you can say Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg, your photo will appear on your Facebook page.

Now that you've learned all this, isn't your iPhone adorable? Doesn't she look just like her mother?